Where it Begins
I am the eldest of 5, born of highly passionate parents often lost in their passions. Parents so indulged and involved in themselves, their feelings, their situations that often, their children played second, even third fiddle to their needs. Highly educated with much expectations upon him, our father's life plan was laid out before he met our mother, whose youth and beauty literally brought down to ashes anyone ever seeing those dreams and expectations of him come true. Their love was dramatic and in a sense, toxic; much of our childhood my siblings and I witnessed rows so violent and making-up so passionate that it seemed to us their love blinds them to responsibility - of sending their children to school, teaching them, clothing them, nurturing them and feeding them so that at the very least, they might live and have a future. Instead, on those terrible days when Juliet has upset Romeo or when Romeo has been deeply agitated by Juliet, one of us children would become the unfortunate target of abuse, both psychological and physical. Many an occasion I would sport a blackeye or bruises to grade school, excused as my own fault for running into a door. In a Filipino family in a rural setting, where Face is fundamental, 'skeletons in the closet', however obvious and open the secret, is kept and this includes parental neglect and abuses, especially if those parents were supposed to have come from 'good families'. Romeo and Juliet (who was then 19), after her accidental unplanned pregnancy (that was me), relocated to my mother's hometown in the heart of Iloilo Province - idyllic and provencal, where my mother's family welcomed the couple with pomp, being that Romeo himself appeared to be all that: handsome, highly educated and intelligent from another well-connected family clan in the province. On the surface, all was well. But deep down, Romeo found it hard to adapt from his academic and regimented catholic lifestyle (he graduated from one of the country's top universities - University of Santo Thomas in Manila, and was only 3 months out of completing his training in Priesthood) to life as a husband (nevermind the father bit); his paramour, our mother, was one of his students at the University of San Agustin and the large gap of experience and age between them showed. She was always jealous and suspicious, he often had to deal with her outbursts that often looked like a tantrum in public. He had to let go of corporate roles because of such scandalous events so that soon, they created a reputation. When both finally established careers as educators, roles garnered not just with their graduate diplomas but due to the clan's influence (such is the case in the Philippines), the intensity of jealousy and selfish passions just intensified which at times embarrassingly included accusations of infidelity involving colleagues and worse, their students.
I cannot recall, up to when I graduated from University of the Phillipines in Diliman, a time when either Romeo or Juliet involved themselves in my nurturing or education. My beautiful and deeply self-involved mother was, together with an older sister, the survivor of a broken family. Their mother died when they were young and their father had another family. Unwelcome in their father's other family, they were shipped to their mother's family, to a grandmother and grandfather who welcomed them, and a collection of aunts and uncles, their mother's siblings, who took it upon themselves to nurture them. In this manner, my mother grew up jealous of complete families and insecure of herself while her big sister, our aunt Gwedalyn, whom we call Tita (auntie in Filipino) Bing, grew up as our mother's primary caregiver. As the eldest, Tita Bing took up the responsibility of looking after her often quarrelsome and mischievous younger sister unconditionally, which often brought her a world of trouble. While some of their aunts and uncles married, 3 did not. These 3 became their 'parents' - providing for them, sending them to school and university, nurturing them in a harsh world.
It is no wonder then that when my mother came back pregnant and dragging a somewhat unwilling Romeo, with his own upset and deeply disappointed clan behind him, it was our Tita Bing who made sure Juliet and her Romeo had a home - building one for them in the family estate with the help of her family. Then, with the (toxic) couple unable to provide and look after their children, she became their (our) mother, making sure they had everything they need - food, shelter, clothes. She and the grandaunts and granduncle took over the care of my siblings and I. I was 'adopted' by my Lola (grandaunt) Beb who became my primary caregiver when i was in their care. Tita Bing and Lola Beb looked after me and were deeply involved in my care. They were gradeschool teachers. My siblings and I would go to school with them and they would make sure we did our homework and would study well and be well-adjusted in school and in the community. They spent their hard-earned money on us so that we can take part in whatever activities we needed to in school. They made sure our days were happy that my siblings and I can laugh and play, dance to music and recite poetry, learn to cook and enjoy meals, make friends and create bonds with each other and others. They taught us our morals, brought us to church, walked with us around the forest in the family estate, to the river and mountains and back, taught us the various names of plants, flowers, trees and their uses. They introduced us to the rest of the clan and encouraged us to make bonds, so that we can belong. These amazing, giving, selfless women taught us to pray and gave us enough love so that we can develop a sense of self and find our own strength in a harsh world. What we have become, the courage and the resilience to endure and grow, the foundation of it came from these women.
Accommodata Feliciter
Our Tita Bing was extremely generous to a fault. She was a woman who loved to see her loved ones happy. Her happiness is to see the children laughing and enjoying life. She was a wonderful cook. By no means was she a trained chef but when Tita Bing cooked, however simple the fare, us siblings would be early on the dining table. My siblings and I lived in the big ancestral house with Tita Bing, Lola Beb, and Lola Beb's siblings Lolo June and Lola Nene, removed from our 'loved-up' parents in their nest, with the last two grandparents also 'adopting' my younger siblings. Lola Nene took to nurture the second child, my sister Zoe, while Lolo June 'adopted' Angelo, who, for a good while was the youngest and only boy until when I was 14 and he was 7, Nicolas was born. Tita Bing, while looking out for all of us, 'adopted' the third child, my sister Amour. Throughout Amour's childhood, her high school life, university life in U.P. Miag-ao and her struggle through law school until her successful bar exams, Tita Bing was there for her. When Amour married and had her 2 little girls, Xam and Pipay, Tita Bing was there through every heartache, every pregnancy and every joyful birth. Tita Bing was Amour's rock and their bond was very special.
My sister Amour is very special to me. In my struggle to overcome the psychological pressure of abuse from my toxic parents, I focused myself in my studies. Somehow I always ended up first in my year. In my mind, this 'status' kept most of the abuse from my parents away, as somehow my place in school and my academic achievements which became known in town gave them prestige. Amour among my younger siblings was also first in her year and, while we did not intend to, we both graduated Valedictorian. I passed the exams to one of the top high schools in our region, the high school department of the University of the Philippines in the Visayas (UPHSI). Amour also passed 2 years later and followed me there. While I studied history and sociology, Amour studied literature. While I studied in Chulalongkorn University in Thailand as I worked there, Amour worked in the local government then studied for her Master's in U.P. Miag-ao. And while I completed my Master's in Sociology in Germany and then the UK, Amour completed her Law Degree in the University of Iloilo. And as I struggled for my PhD with the Open University Research Center in England, my amazing sister became a lawyer and a dedicated wife to Wilmer, a police officer and mother to 2 smart little girls - Xam, now 11 and Pipay, 4. Before her last year studying her BA, I took time from my work in Thailand to visit her in Iloilo. I travelled around Iloilo and Guimaras Island with her, as if we were tourists. I wanted her to experience that certain luxury, of eating out at every instance and enjoying whatever activities we could, because she was at the cusp of becoming a fully-fledged independent adult. I remember we talked about her dreams as well as our family. Amour is a calm soul, preferring to watch from the sidelines, avoiding any drama. Like her, I tend to avoid tense conflict, but unlike her who can stand her ground in highly charged settings ( and thus, she is a lawyer) I have developed a fight or flight response, brought on by a childhood of domestic abuse. I do not know what kind of impact that trip gave her but from then on, she became much stronger and soon, independent. She became someone that supported Tita Bing, and someone who showed Tita Bing filial piety, returning to Tita Bing all the love she gave.
When I was 16, before I left for my first year in university to U.P. Diliman in Manila, I tried to make peace with Romeo and Juliet. The eve before I left, I went to their house but as I knocked on the door, Romeo told me to get lost. What was he upset about? I had no idea. All I know is that to get his attention, Juliet would always try to make up stories in which she either is the victim or that me or my siblings would be pictured as bad, misbehaving and disrespectful of her and him. But how do you find love and respect for a mother and father who were never there? I cannot recall a single notebook paid for by them or a day in grade school and high school that they attended any of the PTA meetings. There were beatings were I could barely get up, where I was left wondering if I could ever walk again. Tita Bing and Lola Beb tried to protect me as well as my siblings and often, there would be violent fighting that would see Romeo take out a gun as well as see him assault Lolo June or the grandaunts and Tita Bing. If this took place in the US or any country in the west, he would already be in jail and us siblings would be placed in foster homes or our guardianship formally given to our aunt and grandparents. What I have plenty of with regards to Romeo and Juliet are tragic memories, vivid in their flashbulb nature - high in emotional and psychological impact, I can trace events of abuse and beatings that nearly killed me and broke my bones, literally. When I was 6, Zoe 5 and Amour 3, Juliet acted her victimhood stories that led Romeo to beat Zoe and me, ending up with him dangling Zoe and me hanging from either of his hands from the second floor window of the house. I cannot remember if he finally let go or dragged us back because I fainted. When I was 10 I joined the Glee Club in school. The Glee Club was run by a relative, a grand aunt who was the music teacher in the school and someone whom my mother had some kind of friction. This grandaunt however was kind to me and was close to her first cousin, my Lola Beb. One practice night before an event, with teachers and most of the parents of the glee club in the school auditorium, Romeo arrived angry and screaming my name. He dragged me from my place in the choir, and beat me with his belt in front of everyone; shocked, the teachers and parents tried to stop him, but before they can take action, he dragged me through the school, walked me home while hitting me with the belt. People watched either in disdain or in shock and I cannot recall how I managed to get back. That night, my Lola Beb tried to patch up my broken skin while Tita Bing sent me to see our Tita Otay, the family doctor, the next day. Some of my bones were bruised and I wasn't talking for days. All I recall of the following days were a blur, just the anger in me coming to a head, and a firm resolution that one day, I will get away from Romeo, Juliet and their mad, toxic world.
This, I suppose, was a successful resolution as after many scholarships I graduated from university and began my journey into adulthood. I have worked and travelled around the world. I am married (17 years so far) to a wonderful man. Both of us are flawed but in our simple togetherness, we are always there for each other, sharing in the joys of life and revelling in what we can learn. His name is James and he is a soldier for the British Army. We are both geeks in our interests and in what I lack - the strength to endure the drama of life as well as a lack of the adventurous spirit and a sporty life outdoors (I am a hobbit), he fills. I climb mountains, I literally swim seas and spectacularly fall off my mountainbike in the German Blackforest and the Welsh Snowdon mountains. Life with James is quiet and full of joy, simple in pacing but full in it's aim at experiencing the wonders of the world. In the words of Adventure Time, he is my BFF.
Loss, Gains & Recalling Her
I wouldn't be here where I am in life if not for Tita Bing and Lola Beb. Lola Beb passed in 2011 and I hope that in her last moments, she knew how much I love her and how grateful I am for her. Last Sept. 28, my Tita Bing celebrated her 66th birthday. Amour prepared a special birthday party for her, celebrating her years with good food and company full of laughter, especially that of the children. I knew she enjoyed it because her smile was so bright in the pictures and the videos. I adopted a star for her through the adopt-a-star program for the Pale Blue Dot Project as a present. Her star is part of the Ophiucus constellation. I thought it was apt as in the Greco-Roman myths, Ophiucus is a healer who puts himself at risk to keep tragedy at bay. My Tita Bing was like that. I could only hope to be half as gracious and amazing as she was. If you look at Google Sky Maps, you will be able to spot her star.
Early December this month, Tita Bing suddenly got sick (she was diabetic and the presence of comorbid conditions in the present time of the pandemic made things worse) and was rushed to the hospital. Sometime later, Dec. 4, she passed on. It is a massive blow and loss, but most especially for my sister Amour who lived next door to her and cared for her. All I can hope for is that in her last few years, she lived a life of laughter and joy in Amour's company and that of her lovely little grandnieces who also turned to her and loved her as their Mama Bong. My aunt's Facebook account (rarely used) is full of Xam and Pipay's pictures as in her retired years, she found joy in being their Lola, nurturing for them, caring for them, and watching them grow. My sister Amour lost her rock and while I will never be as amazingly selfless, nurturing and ever-present as our Tita Bing, I will try my best to be there for her as her sister.
I am starting this blog as a place in the virtual web to recall and file our memories of our Tita Bing, to recall our time with her, especially the childhood we had, those moments with her where we learned of the world and of life, in her care. I proposed to Amour that we talk about the food she cooked or shared with us, for she always made sure our little tummies were full and our faces had a smile as we ate.
Tungod sa iya, because of her, we became who we are and this is our small way of keeping her memory alive.
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